Finals week. The last finals week, at SUSTech. After this there will be no more exams for me, ever — what’s left is just two thesis defenses, and then I can walk away with the so-called SUSTech Bachelor of Engineering. Not that exams were ever likely to make me nostalgic, but this time it really does seem to be over.
Three exams left. Mathematical Logic on Tuesday morning, Software Engineering on Wednesday afternoon, Computer Operating Systems on Friday afternoon.
Before that I’d mainly been reviewing Software Engineering. On Monday I slept seven-plus hours and got up at noon, first dealing with some wrap-up for other courses. I slacked along until evening before realizing things were dire: my Mathematical Logic coverage was disaster-level low, and I didn’t seem to know how to write any of the assorted proofs. The plan had been to open exam week with a serious sleep and bank some energy — turned out that wasn’t possible. So I rode one wave of momentum, stayed awake until the exam ended at noon on Tuesday, then came back and slept.
I woke at nine in the evening, grabbed a shower, and started writing the Data Mining thesis — one eye on the Nasdaq taking a dive. Software Engineering wasn’t that hard to review; the overall thread is clear. I kept at it until the exam ended at six on Wednesday afternoon, checked the CPI release a bit past eight — sane enough — and then instantly blacked out.
Foggy-headed, I woke again and it was already five a.m. Thursday. Fooled around on my phone for a bit, thanking my stars I hadn’t been watching the market or it probably would have knocked me out with anger. Showered, had breakfast, started reviewing Operating Systems at seven-thirty. It didn’t look like much content — my previous pass had left only four lectures I’d never touched — but I finished gnawing through them on all fours and it was somehow already past midnight. And I hadn’t even started on anything beyond the slides, or on overfitting the past problems; no way I dared sleep. This was a thirty-six-hour-class slugfest, and from the brutality of the review to the actual difficulty of the exam, it fit the epic feel of a last stand perfectly.
Studied until four a.m., by which point my cumulative awake time had hit twenty-three hours and I couldn’t hold on any longer — passed out for two hours on a lounge chair next to Yidan Library. Up at six to keep studying; had breakfast, hit the wall again, out cold from eight to ten. Before that nap I chugged half a bottle of coffee, trying to flush every last bit of adenosine out of my brain. When I woke again and moved around a little, the feeling was back — easy focus all the way to the end of the exam.
They say this finals season was madly hard, but honestly, the experience of sitting the papers wasn’t all that bad. Seventy-six hours, only twenty of them asleep — ten extra hours gouged straight out of my circadian rhythm. This was probably the ultimate boss fight of the undergrad career. Maybe I beat it. Maybe.
Southern University of Science and Technology. Mm.
They say a man’s words turn kind when death is near. But last night, recalling all of this, I inexplicably wanted to cry, and there was no holding the emotion in at all. And yet I couldn’t find where it was coming from.
Do I regret the way I’ve lived these past few years? But what exactly would I be regretting? There’s nothing to regret — most of it was my own fault anyway. Was SUSTech bad to me? Setting aside that pig-pen of a military training in Zhuhai at the very start, I actually think it was wonderful — no other school could really have given me this kind of life and learning experience. And yet every time I think back on these three years, I feel something somewhere went wrong, and I can’t figure out what.
Friday after the OS exam I had a McDonald’s, ■■■ on the way ■■■■■■. ■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■. I ■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■, ■■■. ■■■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■; ■■■ the subconscious ■■■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■ in the end ■■■; another stream of consciousness ■■■■■■ — so what would be the point. ■■■■■■■■■. ■■■■■■, haha. Such a brief instant, too brief to be worth mentioning, and yet it feels like a long time has passed, as if it carried too many memories that were never supposed to be this way.
■■■■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■. ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■■■■ feeling. ■■■■■■■■, a little pitiable, ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■, and then that pitying feeling got pulled back in.
“2021-10-18：到了某一个时机成熟的晚上，再回头看这些文字，不知道那时候的自己能不能理解这个时候的自己呢？”「NDX：15021」 (“On some night when the time is ripe, I’ll look back at these words — I wonder if the me of that day will be able to understand the me of today?” — NDX: 15021)
“2022-06-18：我现在就要给未来的我打个预防针，■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■，■■■■■■■■，还有点绝望。"「NDX：10798」 (“I’m giving my future self an advance shot of warning right now, ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■■, and I feel a bit hopeless too.” — NDX: 10798)
“2024-11-16：我想象不出来28年的我会怎么看待24的我，但我预计评价不会很高。”「NDX：18680」 (“I can’t imagine how the me of 2028 will view the me of 2024, but I expect the verdict won’t be high.” — NDX: 18680)
I remember with perfect clarity why the me at those earlier points in time was summoning his future self — exactly the way I’m now trying to summon my future self.
“2026-06-19：站在如此十字路口，元认知再次提醒我，未来五年十年的自己会如何看待本科阶段的我？会如何看待南科大？不清楚。但那个时候的纳指已经五万十万点，也许这一切的一切也都不太重要了吧，哈哈。”「NDX：26452」 (“Standing at a crossroads like this, metacognition reminds me once again: how will the me of five or ten years from now view the undergrad me? How will he view SUSTech? No idea. But by then the Nasdaq will already be at fifty or a hundred thousand — maybe none of this, all of it, matters all that much anymore, haha.” — NDX: 26452)
But did the me of that day ever figure out what exactly had gone wrong?