# Then Let's Talk Source: https://brightonxu.com/posts/en/2026-09-23-reply-to-hazel/ Author: Brighton (Yi Xu) Published: 2026-09-23 So much... Music: [On the Bound](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7c6OVI7MUvs) — Fiona Apple · When the Pawn... (1999) I've been listening to Fiona Apple's *When the Pawn...* lately. It's a very distinctive album. Although I basically can't get into any of the sampling ideas on *Fetch the Bolt Cutters*, the mix of piano and samples—or synths?—in the intro to this album is incredibly rich and creative. For some reason, it reminds me of the intro to OKC. Back in high school, I liked rainy days more. In some of my old writing, I would even deliberately use rain to express some of those sticky feelings. Looking back, I guess part of the reason was that all the buildings in my high school were connected by covered walkways, so rain didn't really make life inconvenient. When I was studying, the rain also made for just the right kind of white noise. At university, though, whenever it rains, SUSTech seems to spawn slippery patches and puddles everywhere, so I've grown a lot less fond of it. I still want to travel to California, that quintessential cultural icon. I want to know what that supposedly unique sunshine-and-beaches feeling is actually like. I want to see, with my own eyes, the offices of some of the biggest tech companies in the world. I want to stand with my back against a railing and take a photo with the Golden Gate Bridge behind me—whether the myth turns out to be real, or whether I simply end up demystifying it. As for where I'd settle down, I honestly haven't figured that out. If the goal were to retire as early as possible, I might choose a second-tier city somewhere in China. But I've also gotten very used to living in Shenzhen, so... something like that. As for a future home, I've never really thought much about it. Convenience would probably matter most to me. I don't feel like I have many particular ambitions when it comes to interior design. If I won 50 million RMB—more than seven million dollars—I think I'd choose not to work. Maybe I'd first dump most of it into QQQ, SPY, SCHD, or something along those lines, sort out an investment-immigration route and get myself a more convenient passport, then travel around the world. I have no idea what I'd do after that. Maybe I'd get bored. I still prefer late at night. Early mornings and dusk don't really do much for me. Late at night, I get this feeling of being cut off from the rest of the world, which makes it easier for me to focus. Before I get sleepy, I'm usually most productive around then. As for seasons, if I'm staying in Shenzhen, winter wins without question. Summers here are still way too hot. Around 20°C, just cool enough that wearing shorts feels slightly chilly—that's probably the most comfortable weather for me. The little cat downstairs from Building 15 is called White Gloves. I've seen him sleeping in that little place on the first floor where they keep books, and I even took a photo once. Very cute. But I probably won't own a cat in the future. Maybe something smaller, like a bird or a hamster. If circumstances allow, maybe a small dog. A wide-open lake and an early-2000s-style amusement park make me think of Zhongshan Park near my home. There used to be an amusement park there, but it shut down during COVID. I probably went there pretty often as a kid, but I honestly don't remember anything specific anymore. There's a flower town next door that's crowded all year round, so it's hard for the place to ever feel truly desolate. If you want to give me a present, I'd still prefer something useful. Beautiful things don't necessarily stay in my memory for very long. Better yet, just take me somewhere with good food. As for peaches, juice them. I've never liked biting into fruit. It's tiring, and it makes my hands sticky. Ice cream is better when it tastes strongly of milk. Häagen-Dazs honestly isn't as expensive as people imagine if you know where to buy it. I also can't blow bubble-gum bubbles or whistle, and I can't do a tongue trill either. My tongue feels weirdly inflexible. --- Let's talk about the scene I keep dreaming about. I keep dreaming of this enormous grassy hillside. Down below are a few scattered houses, with faint smoke rising from their chimneys. The sky is very blue and very bright, but the sunlight isn't harsh. A slightly cool breeze brushes past. I don't know if we'd end up holding hands. Maybe I'd do it unconsciously. Mm, or maybe my subconscious would do it for me. But does that really matter? We'd lie down somewhere on the slope and look up at the sky. We wouldn't do anything. We wouldn't say anything. We'd just let time pass like that. Maybe I'd fall asleep. Maybe I wouldn't. I think I'd feel incredibly at ease there. I'd feel like I still belonged to myself. Could we still ■■■■■■■? I know this probably sounds a little out there, but this is one of the few things that still makes me feel alive. Well, and don't let yourself become someone who no longer belongs to you, either. At least, don't grow numb to it. It'll get better eventually. At least we're both still young. We're both still alive. We still have it in us to feel. --- ![Hazel's Letter](https://brightonxu.com/img/reply-to-hazel-letter.png)